something is broken

About a year ago, I listened to an author lecture about writing. She referred to poetry as "distilled writing." I like that description. Over the past weeks and months many ideas have wandered through my mind. Most of them center around spirituality, destiny, the questions of life. I think often of writing of these, but it seems the writing would go on forever. We find ourselves at a time in history when our spiritual journeys are driving us into isolation rather than bringing us together. I greatly desire an end to this. I have attempted to distill some of the thoughts that have been on my heart.

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something is broken
it hurts
how can it be fixed?

"take something for the pain"

but i want to know what's causing it

"won't you just take something - you'll feel better"

what good is feeling better if something is still broken!?

"why do you have to cause problems"
"don't be so dramatic"
"here, take something for the pain"

no! we must find the cause
a lot of people are hurting - not just me
i am not alone in my pain
even those who take something find only moments of respite
why not find a cure?

"your head is in the clouds - you can't change anything"

i have met a doctor

"don't bring him into this"
"it isn't true - he isn't real"
"he is the problem - he can't help"
"it is true - come to the clinic - you'll feel better"

i've been to the clinics, many of them, he isn't there
but i believe what is broken can be fixed
what is broken is the bond between us
for it to be fixed, we must go to him together
the journey may be long and painful
but won't it be worth it?

"just take something for the pain"
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I lose my faith every day, but what a blessing that is, for the faith that I lose is hopelessly incomplete. The next day I stumble upon a new faith, one that serves me for that day and then is discarded along with all that went before. To know fully all that is unknown is impossible in this shadowland in which we now live. My heart is only big enough to hold an understanding of the spiritual that is sufficient for the challenges of that one day. When I hold onto a faith for too long it is actually counterproductive for I am only remembering the experiences of yesterday rather than experiencing anew that which I need for the new day.

Let me put it in a perspective that might be a bit easier to understand. Knowledge of god is theology. Theology seems to be messy and confusing and makes people hate each other. So i'll talk about another “ology” that is a bit easier to explain. I will call it “Sandiology.” For those who may not know, Sandi is my lovely wife. Sandiology is simply the knowledge I have of Sandi. That knowledge changes every time I have a new experience with her. Now what if one day I decided I was never going to have a new experience with her and simply base all my future actions only on my past experiences with her. That would be to say that I was never again going to listen to what she had to say or to the requests she made of me. I would never again look on her and experience her beauty. I would never again enjoy all the ways in which she makes the world a better place. I would simply ignore everything new and just live with my experiences of the past. Now if I needed anything I would ask her for it, but if she started to talk back I would just look away and ignore her because I believe I have all the knowledge of Sandi I ever need. Sounds like a pretty crappy relationship doesn't it. I think it would be. But that is just the kind of relationship we have with god if we have a theology that doesn't constantly change. With each new day there is new knowledge, new experiences, new beauty, new conversations, new creations. As we grow in relationship our knowledge, our “ology” will change.

Don't let yourself be bound to yesterday's theology. Experience anew today. Change your theology. Lose your faith. It will be an awe inspiring experience.

anyone who knows me knows i can't really get the hang of blogging and social networking. again it has been almost 6 months since i have really blogged anything. when i sit down to write i begin to think of all the conversations i have had in the past and so want to have in the future. i grow tired of the shallowness of most conversations (and subsequently most relationships). as i write, i wonder, "who will read this?" whatever answers i come up with seems to influence what i say and how i say it. perhaps this is not as it should be. i am aware of a book called "fierce conversations." i have not read it, but i certainly like the title. i love the idea of our discussions becoming passionate, even as we disagree. i so desire to be surrounded by a tribe of people who recognize each other's inherent worth and thereby won't allow differences of opinion and experience to drive a wedge into the relationship. we all seem to be so afraid; i know i am. i rarely talk anymore about what i believe. it's kind of ironic, because i watched a video today that someone posted talking about how college kids were afraid to express their faith in class with an atheist teacher. i'm on the other side of the fence; i can talk freely to atheists and agnostics; it's the ones who call themselves christians that i am afraid of. my theology doesn't fit in there. apparently that means i am a threat to all that is good because i have had people rip me a new one on numerous occasions. i've been burnt so many times that i don't seem to have the fortitude to try any more. it's killing me, because i so long for a genuine sense of community, but i can't change who i am and what i have experienced. it's not as if i expect to find a group of people who believe exactly what i do. all i want is to find some who don't think i deserve to be exiled. i've tried the approach of "don't ask don't tell" but it doesn't really work because the things i am not telling are the same things that so completely define who i am. i am a mystic. the creative force of the universe speak to me; i believe this force to be the same one who has spoken since the beginning of time to anyone who would listen. i'm not too hung up on names. i choose to use the Jewish ones like YHWH and Yeshua; i'm certain others have encountered the same beings and named them differently. as far as us humans go, we get things wrong more than we get them right. people who have encountered the mystical tend to find it overwhelming and they tend to want to talk about it and write about it. but because we're human, we get a lot of it wrong. that doesn't mean we shouldn't say it. but i do think it means we should listen critically to what i or anyone else has to say about the spiritual realm, regardless of who they are and whether or not their writings have been included in a collection that has been called infallible for thousands years. there is no reason for this idea to be frightening. the forces behind all this don't change regardless of how bad our attempts to describe them might be. if we could all just take a deep breath and let the anger and fear subside, then maybe we could have some real conversations with some real depth and still love each other even if there can be no resolution to our differences. so, if you read this and you find you really wanna rip me a new one, please, instead could you just post your own blog about what you believe. send me a link even; i'll be glad to read it (assuming it's not just slamming people who don't believe exactly what you believe). ok, enough for now. hopefully there will be more soon. whether you like it or not we're all in this together, so we might as well make the best of it. peace be with you.

mark

another beginning.....

in the fall of 1994 i took a short night class that taught us about the internet. after completing the class we we're given a username and password that allowed us to log onto the school's VAX computer system from our home computer and thus have access to the internet. at that time there were no pictures. it was essentially just message boards and connections to libraries. this was by no means my first interaction with computers as i received my first computer, a Commodore VIC 20, in 1982. one would think that with the background i've had with the electronic age that i would be more suited to the world of blogging and message boards and social networking. but rather it has been very difficult for me over the years to maintain a constant relationship with these electronic entities. i attempted for a while to maintain some semblance of a blog at livejournal and myspace, but both of those faded much like an unwatered houseplant. so here i begin again. perhaps this time will be different. i can only hope that it will. there is within me at this time perhaps a greater urgency than i have felt in the past. i hope this will become one of many venues of conversation about topics that i believe so greatly need to be discussed.