anyone who knows me knows i can't really get the hang of blogging and social networking. again it has been almost 6 months since i have really blogged anything. when i sit down to write i begin to think of all the conversations i have had in the past and so want to have in the future. i grow tired of the shallowness of most conversations (and subsequently most relationships). as i write, i wonder, "who will read this?" whatever answers i come up with seems to influence what i say and how i say it. perhaps this is not as it should be. i am aware of a book called "fierce conversations." i have not read it, but i certainly like the title. i love the idea of our discussions becoming passionate, even as we disagree. i so desire to be surrounded by a tribe of people who recognize each other's inherent worth and thereby won't allow differences of opinion and experience to drive a wedge into the relationship. we all seem to be so afraid; i know i am. i rarely talk anymore about what i believe. it's kind of ironic, because i watched a video today that someone posted talking about how college kids were afraid to express their faith in class with an atheist teacher. i'm on the other side of the fence; i can talk freely to atheists and agnostics; it's the ones who call themselves christians that i am afraid of. my theology doesn't fit in there. apparently that means i am a threat to all that is good because i have had people rip me a new one on numerous occasions. i've been burnt so many times that i don't seem to have the fortitude to try any more. it's killing me, because i so long for a genuine sense of community, but i can't change who i am and what i have experienced. it's not as if i expect to find a group of people who believe exactly what i do. all i want is to find some who don't think i deserve to be exiled. i've tried the approach of "don't ask don't tell" but it doesn't really work because the things i am not telling are the same things that so completely define who i am. i am a mystic. the creative force of the universe speak to me; i believe this force to be the same one who has spoken since the beginning of time to anyone who would listen. i'm not too hung up on names. i choose to use the Jewish ones like YHWH and Yeshua; i'm certain others have encountered the same beings and named them differently. as far as us humans go, we get things wrong more than we get them right. people who have encountered the mystical tend to find it overwhelming and they tend to want to talk about it and write about it. but because we're human, we get a lot of it wrong. that doesn't mean we shouldn't say it. but i do think it means we should listen critically to what i or anyone else has to say about the spiritual realm, regardless of who they are and whether or not their writings have been included in a collection that has been called infallible for thousands years. there is no reason for this idea to be frightening. the forces behind all this don't change regardless of how bad our attempts to describe them might be. if we could all just take a deep breath and let the anger and fear subside, then maybe we could have some real conversations with some real depth and still love each other even if there can be no resolution to our differences. so, if you read this and you find you really wanna rip me a new one, please, instead could you just post your own blog about what you believe. send me a link even; i'll be glad to read it (assuming it's not just slamming people who don't believe exactly what you believe). ok, enough for now. hopefully there will be more soon. whether you like it or not we're all in this together, so we might as well make the best of it. peace be with you.

mark